Sometime over the past few weeks, as my yoga friends have heard that I’m starting the teacher training program tomorrow (!!!), they’ve taken to giving me all sorts of creepy warnings and retelling the worst horror stories.
I’ve heard everything from “It’s going to ruin. your. life.” to “I’ve heard that their only goal is to break you mentally and physically and it’s really, really hard.” My favorite response thus far was the person who said bluntly, “Why in the HELL would you EVER decide to do that?”
Real talk: been asking myself the same thing.
To be honest, when I started practicing, I never thought I’d go to teacher training. I’ve been practicing off and on for 10 years and at one point, I toyed with the idea of going to the Bikram training, but it’s basically a million years long and I read wayyy too much about people vomiting in class. So yeah. No.
My teacher first urged me to do it over the summer. I resisted her, saying there was no way that I was ready. She told me over and over again: you’re ready.
Am I ready? I don’t know. In my worst moments, I fear that I am in no way ready: I don’t have a lithe yoga body, I can’t do all the poses, I rest a lot in class, I still flip people off driving to yoga and often say unsavory things in mixed company.
The larger part of my fears the time commitment alone: I’m still a grad student. I’m a teacher. I’m a girlfriend and a friend and a daughter. I require a lot of time alone. Is this going to like, send me over the edge?
Probably. In many ways, I suspect it will.
What I do know is this: I am excited. I’m nervous. I’m anxious about it. It’s a lot of money and time and effort. I want to get the most possible out of the experience. Truth be told, I have no idea what I’ll do with this when I’m done. I think I’d like to teach, since I seem to like it as my profession. I have a few ideas. But I have no real idea.
In the introductory email with our pre-training homework, we were instructed to show up without expectations. And that is where I’m trying to stay: this experience will be what it will be, no amount of fretting, planning or judging required.
If you know me at all, you know that this is already a lesson to be learned. I like plans and goals, and clear outcomes. I’m hard on myself. I want assurance that when I do x, I will get y.
This is already an invitation to stop planning, striving, doing, going, thinking and to just be. It’s already hard.
In class on Monday night, my teacher urged us to find our edge, because, she reminded us — the edge is where the view is.
I have no idea the view I’ll be presented with over the next three and a half months. But whatever comes into focus, I’m going to do my best to accept it, and trust that no matter the challenge or the outcome, I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
I am sure I’ll be mentioning this journey on this blog, but I doubt I’ll want to post all my yoga feelings all over here, so if yoga teacher training is your jam, I’d suggest following me over at Everyday Asana.