Last week, I read a post on Pink of Perfection that stuck with me: it was technically a recipe, but Sarah mentioned that she had recently made a list of things she does and does not care about. That post reminded me of something I read on Nicole’s blog recently, where she said “no one else is ever going to care about managing your energy as much as you do. It’s the same with your health – no one else is going to carve out time for you to exercise and cook healthy meals. It’s up to you to prioritize your time, which often means forcibly removing things from your schedule and saying no to things that don’t support your biggest goals. On the surface, it may seem selfish, but selfish isn’t always a bad thing. If you don’t take care of your own needs and goals, who will? Saying no to certain things in order to save energy & time for the things that really matter is all about being compassionately ruthless.”
I’ve know for awhile that there were things that I do that do not actively support my goals. See: Facebook. But for some reason, it seemed nearly impossible to just cut these things out. I am so easily able to talk myself out of making positive choices for a variety of reasons: it’s selfish, I “need” to do things a certain way or (most often) a fear of missing out and/or jealousy. As grad school looms and I take on freelance work while also trying to be a good teacher, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc. I’ve decided that I need to figure out some priorities. Also, I know that I have a tendency to slip out of healthy habits when life gets intense, and I am trying to be vigilant against that occurring.
The idea of making a list made a lot of sense to me. So simple! A list of things that do really, really matter to me, and a list of things that don’t that still find their way into my schedule. And then? The ability to clearly focus on getting more of the “do care” list into my life, while letting go of the things that really don’t matter.
Making a do care list came easily:
- Andrew and my family are my number one priority, always.
- Pursuing my yoga practice and general exercise — running, when I’m healed.
- Eating local, organic food that is healthfully prepared (including starting a small container garden in our backyard!).
- My primary friendships matter to me — the friendships that add to my life and make me better.
- Being the best educator I can be.
- Blogging — quality content.
- My freelance work.
- Grad school will matter to me in just a few weeks :)
- Reading books matters to me — more than TV (see list below).
- Financial stability.
- Travel and/or experiences.
It all felt pretty simple. These are the things I’m willing to put energy towards: those I love, my yoga practice, good food, my jobs, this blog, reading, being financially stable and experiencing the world. Suddenly, it all felt so clear: if it’s not something that I want to put energy toward, why invest time and/or money?
The don’t list was hard. Mostly because the don’t list is full of easy stuff that I like in the moment, but dislike after I do it.
Things that made the don’t list:
- 85% of the TV I watch.
- Blogging every day. Currently, I’m planning to cut back to three days a week. I don’t have time to generate quality content right now, and there’s nothing worse than a reader clogged with posts that are sloppy. I’d rather write three good posts per week than five ho-hum ones. Right? Right.
- Friend/acquaintance events I attend because I feel like I “should.”
- People who make me feel badly about myself.
- Reading blogs/following people on Twitter because they’re “important” or because I like to keep up on the drama (oh stop, you do it too).
- Lots of my time on Facebook, barring client work.
- Indulging in tons of drinks/food that makes me feel bad.
- The day-to-day minutiae of gossip and drama.
- What people outside of my closest friends and family members think about my every decision. Enough with the worrying.
- Having tons of “stuff” that I think I want. Trying to shift from buying lots of crap to buying a few really good things. That’s hard, guys.
I don’t expect to adhere to this new list all the time. I’m not giving up TV totally (I will stop watching Pretty Little Liars and Parenthood when I’m dead, okay? NOT A MOMENT BEFORE!) but I am replacing my TV time with some reading. I’m saying no to a few happy hours to fit in an additional yoga class. I’m slowly clearing out excess stuff, and doing my best not to acquire more by unsubscribing to shopping emails and not buying. I’m budgeting and putting money away. I’m forcing time for healthy meals to be cooked.
As Nicole so wisely put it, I’m being ruthlessly compassionate with my life and time.
I’ve always lived in awe of people who live life the way they want to, without guilt. I think a lot of people pin those sentiments on Pinterest, but most people I know are saddled with bad feelings or jealousy or missing out. I was having a conversation with a friend recently who turned down plans because she wanted to go for a run. She didn’t apologize. She just did. And I got it: the only difference between them and myself is that they are actively advocating for their own life and time, and making it their own. I don’t want that difference to exist any more.
I don’t think we all have to believe that the same things matter, but honestly, this list? It made me re-evaluate everything from what blogs I read to whether or not I buy Starbucks each week. It’s powerful to look at what really, really matters. And better yet? It’s oddly freeing to release yourself from the things that really, really don’t.
I really love this. Thank you for writing it. So many of your don’t cares are also my don’t cares. I need to be more mindful of the do cares and start getting rid of the rest. Anyway, this was super inspiring. Thanks again <3
i loved both of those posts last week and i started clearing out my twitter followers, unfriending people on facebook who i thought i should hide and unliking stuff just crowding up my timeline. i also unsubscribed to SO MANY emails last week that i’ve already spent what seems like HOURS not reading or deleting without reading emails i didn’t care about.
your care about list is very similar to mine. feels good, huh?
Great post! The points you bring up about being “ruthlessly compassionate” and unapologetic for how we spend our time are issues that have been on my mind lately– especially now that school’s started. Thanks for sharing the list idea– I may be composing some myself just to declutter my mind.
Those are great lists – and I for one am FINE with just 3 posts a week (although I think all your posts are pretty great).
This is a great idea. Also, sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I read all the things you are doing!! As a fellow list enthusiast you have inspired me to create one of my own. xx
This reminds me of what Gretchen Rubin wrote in The Happiness Project about the Secrets of Adulthood. One of the items was:
“What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you–and vice versa.”
I think that is incredibly important to remember and to live out. Good for you!
Here’s the full list in case anyone wants to read it: http://happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/09/secrets-of-adulthood/
Love this! I recently did something very similar; I made a “Focus on” and an “Ignore” list. I have a crap-ton of interests, projects and hobbies, and it really helped me focus on what is/isn’t important at this point in time. It’s definitely an attitude that’s spread to social media, my relationships, etc.
I’m so impressed with all the things you’ve got going on right now and how focused you are!
Great post! I think it is important to make a delineation between what matters and what doesn’t. We get pulled in so many different directions, it’s just not possible to say yes to everything and feel good about ourselves!
I do care about getting my runs in, excelling at work, spending time with friends and family, reading great books and attending mass each week.
I don’t care all that much about keeping up with twitter and facebook (or posting clever things on there on a regular basis), blogging daily (2-4 posts/week works for me), or watching most tv (except Parenthood and Top Chef. I can’t get rid of those shows!!).
Oh the twitter drama is great – i do the same thing, and only follow certain people to see what they’re up to because I’m nosy.
But I like the idea of figuring out where you want to spend your energy and time and focusing on that… must do more of that in my life.
YES to the life purge of all things unimportant! I just deleted some shows from my TiVo queue as well as some blogs from my Google reader. I’m trying to FB less, take more things to Goodwill and buy less crap. Jason pointed out that when I buy crappy things, they break, then I need to buy it again. Why not buy quality that will last longer?
And true, don’t feel obligated to blog every day. Make us wait for your genius ;-)
Thank you so much for writing this.
I’m so inspired to create my own “do care” and “don’t” lists.
This is a great idea!
I love this idea, I’ve definitely been thinking a lot about this lately and figuring out what means the most to me. I’ve also just been generally cleansing my life (wow that sounds weird) and deciding on what things to keep or what things I can move past, it’s quite refreshing and amazing all at once.
Love this idea! I have to admit, I think I’d have a hard time giving up some of the things that would be on the “don’t care” list, but I know it would be better in the long run.
And confession: When I decided to move to China to teach for a year, one of my first thoughts was, “Will I be able to watch Parenthood??”
I made the top of the list! I win! Great post, babe. You top my list, too. Love you.
This is great. I might need to steal this. Also, I spend way too much time on FB too. I was thinking about doing a cleanse and deactivating it.
A brilliant idea. Lots of things to ponder!
Great post. I’m following the same process right now, and the mismatch between my life and my professed priorities is a bit startling. Onward and upward!
Aw, Amy! I love this post so much. This list is suchhhh a good idea. I am in some serious need of reevaluating where I am putting my free time and energy into. I love the idea of making this list because then it makes it clear what things to work towards, and what things to cut out in order to live the life you want to live. Thank you for this! And for being so open & sharing your process! It helps so much :)
Love this post and the very timely reminder. With another school year only a few weeks away, I’ve been thinking about my time and making sure I don’t lose myself in school-related business. Maybe we can check in and keep each other accountable…? :)
Also, love Andrew’s comment (he’s swell!) and I am newly obsessed with Parenthood (don’t know how I missed it!).
I read this originally Sunday night and had to “mark it as unread” in my google reader because I wanted to read it over and over again! Seriously! THIS POST is what it’s all about! And it was JUST the reminder I needed.