As I mentioned last week, I’ve been feeling a little quiet these days. It’s been awhile since I’ve picked up my camera and made something delicious. Dinner in our household has consisted of a lot of Chipotle veggie bowls, or eggs on whatever random hodge podge of vegetables I have around. I haven’t been exercising besides yoga, and I feel like I’ve said a lot about that lately, so I’ll spare you (FOR NOW). I haven’t been addressing this last 36 pounds I’d like to lose, and while I haven’t gained weight, I’m not reaching my healthy goals the way I’d like to. The end of the school year is here, so I’m wrapping that up, while simultaneously LOSING MY DANG MIND over grad school. I’m exhausted.

Summer break is a mere four weeks away, and while I’m definitely planning on having fun, I’m also really aware that I need a break. I feel like I’ve been running myself ragged for four months and that needs to stop. I’ve been asking myself big questions about where I’m putting my energy and what it is I really want and how to do it. They’re hard questions to answer, and ones I’m not totally sure about. I’m not unhappy by any stretch of the imagination, there are just aspects of my life I’m unsure of. I’ve been compiling a list of the things I really want to do, and the things I’m willing to let go of in order to make those other things happen.

In the interest of accountability/self-care/reminder to myself when I’m over-committing myself to everything in the world this summer, I thought I’d write out a few goals I have as I transition into summer break:

• Sleep. I am so tired. So very tired. One of the things I have a hard time with during summer is not feeling guilty about napping and really resting a lot. I’m making it my goal this summer to never feel tired.
  
• Exercise. I miss cardio, both the elliptical and swimming. I’m excited to get back into a workout routine that doesn’t just involve yoga. I love yoga more than anything, but I also know that my body needs more than just yoga to be really strong and healthy.
• Reading. I miss reading so much. I have been doing a little, but I want to tear through books this summer, the way I did when I was little.
• Clean(er) eating. I’ve been doing really well, actually. For the first time in my life, I haven’t been turning to food when I’m stressed. HOWEVER. I’ve been a little carb heavy, been drinking way too many soy mochas and I’m getting bored. I want to commit to getting back into the kitchen to play with delicious food and of course, to shoot it for this blog. I miss showing what I’ve been making and making really yummy stuff. I also miss having people over to share delicious food and to enjoy my time in the kitchen, rather than feeling stressed.
• Investigate yoga teaching. I taught my first class last weekend (!) and I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been happier doing something. It felt right and I enjoyed it so much. I’m checking out a few options of where/how I can teach and I’m excited that it’s a possibility. I’m also planning on doing some additional training in the fall and I’m really excited about that.
• Practice yoga. One of the things I’m the actual most excited about is getting to practice even more. I find the time on my mat to be my best reset button, and I’m so stoked to have the time to enjoy practice and not just cram it in to random times.

That’s it. I forsee summer as a time to rest, exercise, cook, read and care for me and the goals I’m setting for myself. It all starts four weeks from tomorrow, but rest assured, I plan on getting a jump on a few of those things above.

Do you have any summer goals?

Every morning, I’m trying this new thing. Before I get in the shower, I start a tea kettle full of water. After my shower, I squeeze half a lemon into a mug, add the boiling water, and head to my living room, where I sit on a cushion and light a candle and sit quietly in the dark.

It feels really weird to do it, let alone type it. Throughout my yoga journey, I’ve rallied really hard against the “yogi stereotype” of those breathy women with sinewy bodies who talk about their chi and passionately share about their meditation practice.

I don’t write this post to brag about how zen I am (I am still not a zen being who beams light and love 24/7) or how evolved I am. I am still the same opinionated firecracker who is way too agitated for her own good. I haven’t abandoned my liberal use of swear words. I still freak out, daily.

And yet there’s no denying that these few minutes in the morning are changing my days.

No one is more surprised than me.

Growing up, I firmly believed that meditation was evil. Somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that meditation was a time for you to sit and invite some sort of “spirit guide” into your mind, and go down some freaky road directly into hell where Satan lives.

Sadly, that is not the weirdest thing I believed as a child.

Anyways, last April, when I started my 40 Day Yoga Challenge, part of our homework was to meditate every day. I gave it a few half-hearted tries before giving up. It seemed like an epic waste of time.

Then my yoga teacher started working seated meditation into our practice. It pissed me off. Here I was, paying GOOD MONEY to WORK OUT and I WAS JUST SITTING ON A MAT. It made me angry.

One day, I decided to just try it. To watch my breath and settle down and see what happened. It wasn’t that bad. Slowly, I started to look forward to these silent times on my mat.

I decided to try it at home.

Most of the time, I sit down, set my timer and am immediately stunned by just how crazy I am. I think about weird things (REALLY WEIRD THINGS), or mentally make a grocery list, or re-hash a conversation. I like to let it happen. Sometimes, I write things down so I don’t forget.

After a few minutes of letting my crazy brain run wild, I settle myself down.

Sometimes, I use a mantra to do it (I am enough/I have enough). Sometimes, I inhale calm and exhale, thinking of something I want to let go of (I want to let go of my anger/anxiety/frustration). Other times, I try to just focus on my breath.

It’s not perfect. I think about other things. Someone once advised me to see those thoughts as clouds in the sky, just floating by. Instead of internally chastising myself for re-hashing a conversation that took place a week ago, I simply say, “Wow, there’s that conversation again!” and let it pass.

When I’m finally quiet enough, I just listen. I listen to my breath, and to that tiny quiet voice that’s so easy to forget amidst the busy-ness of my days and life.

I’m finding that the more I make space for that tiny internal voice, the more I find it easier to hear. As I’ve written before, my goal this year is to let my self and my life be enough, and when I have this quiet time, I’m able to hear the things and feelings that really matter to me. Anxieties and concerns that used to plague me are now resolved in these quiet moments instead of through a flurry of conversations and angry words. I’m able to see areas where I need to soften and change, but instead of feeling harsh and judging myself, it feels more like a gentle nudge within to be kinder to myself and others.

When my timer goes off, I usually set some sort of intention for the day: that I will be nicer to someone, that I will be quiet instead of getting frustrated, that I will be more patient. Sometimes, it goes off and I’m the happiest, because I can get back to DOING THINGS and stop wasting my time.

Some people will read this post and dismiss it as weird or against their religious beliefs or just plain crazy. But here’s the thing: I think that so many of us, myself so very much included, undervalue having a few minutes of quiet every single day, to meditate, think, pray, whatever. To sit with ourselves alone and shut down.

I’m not an expert (though experts do seem to agree), but those few minutes in the morning, the ones that are just mine, are becoming one of the best parts of my day, and I thought you should know.

It turns out that so many of the things I’ve been looking for have been waiting for me all along, in the quiet.

—

Do not try to save

the whole world

or do anything grandiose.

Instead, create a clearing

in the dense forest of your life

and wait there

patiently,

until the song

that is your life

falls into your own cupped hands

and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know

how to give yourself

to this world

so worthy of rescue.

—Martha Postlewait

When I first started yoga, the hardest thing for me was paying attention on my own mat. I was constantly scanning the room: who was “getting” poses? Who was laying down (the unwritten end to that sentence being “while I’m still in the flow”)? Who was the teacher giving attention to?

A few things about me: I love gold stars, both real and metaphorical. I love to feel as if I’m doing a good job. And while it’s embarrassing to admit, I still like connecting with the teacher. I know, I know. I’ll be 30 in April. AND YET. I still can’t kick my teacher’s pet habits, though I will say at my current studio, it’s less about getting the teacher to like me, and more about the fact that my teachers are inspiring human beings from whom I enjoy learning. Truly. Also, um, I want them to like me.

During class, there are always a few moments where it is SO TEMPTING to look around and check out the room. One day, when I was doing just that, my teacher said something to the effect of, “Look around! See who looks better and worse than you do! That’s what it’s about right?” The room tittered with laughter.

She continued, “We laugh because it’s true. We are ALL guilty of turning this practice into yet another time to compare and see how we measure up. Instead, keep your focus on your own mat.”

I was sure she was talking about me. She may have been.

As I’ve continued to go to class, I’ve heard the same messages over and over again: this is about YOU. This is about YOUR practice, and whatever you’re doing is enough. You are enough, just as you are, just as your body is. There have been some times where these words have encouraged me to work just a bit harder — it’s my practice! But more often, those words are a salve for the feeling that what I’m doing has to be more, better, stronger, cooler — that the practice is wasted unless I connect with the teacher or I make it into a pose or I somehow DO or BE something more than I was the last time I was there.

Last week, Ashley shared a link to an article about family and Facebook. While the topic mostly dealt with why people post photos of their families, the quote that stuck out to me the most was, “But I think there is more going on here than simple sharing. I think, on some level, all of us (or most of us) are asking to be seen, noticed, applauded, affirmed.” 

It touched a nerve with me: how often to I share things in hopes people will “Like” them, and in essence, make me feel “liked”? How often do I post a photo not just because I want to remember the moment, but also because it’s my way of letting the world know I am living an awesome life that I enjoy?

Worse, how often do I feel disappointed when things don’t get the reaction I hoped, or when people give others more attention than me?

Last weekend, I plowed through Brene Brown’s latest book, Daring Greatly, and she discusses this very thing, and how a culture where we can never have enough leads us to start basing our self-worth on things like our interactions online. I have a lot to say about this book and I am still processing it, but let me tell you, it’s a must-read. I learned so much.

In yoga, I’ve had to adopt a pretty serious practice to keep my focus on my own mat. During the opening sequence of sun salutations, I almost always keep my eyes closed — that way I can focus on the sensations in my own body, as opposed to sizing up the room. I pick a few inanimate objects in the room to focus on during long poses. And perhaps most powerfully, I use a mantra: when I breathe in, I say to myself, “I am enough” and when I breathe out, I say, “I have enough.” If I really can’t focus mentally, I get into child’s pose for awhile, blocking distractions and breathing in and out.

It works, sometimes. There are still moments when I compare, or when I feel jealous, or when I somehow feel that my practice could be enhanced by any number of things.

Over the next few weeks, I’m participating in a program at my yoga studio called Evolve, and one of the things we are doing is taking a weekly break from electronics for 24 hours. At first, I freaked out a little inside. A whole day, every single week? I can barely go an hour without checking my email. How the hell am I going to go an entire day every single week? There are a host of other changes we are working to implement, too; however, THIS is the one that freaked me out the most.

Obviously this means I need this part the most.

I think it’s interesting how this recent awareness of why and what I post is coming at the same time as this challenge. I’ve certainly been thinking a lot about my online presence, but my guess is that it will be a lot easier to consider these things when my iPhone isn’t right in my face.

My hope is that this electronics-free experiment isn’t just a chore or an exercise I’m doing for yoga, but instead a time for me to explore what I’ve noticed on the mat in my online interactions. I want to consider why I post and what I’m sharing, as well as the reactions I’m hoping to get, and my own reaction when those things don’t match up.

One thing I’ve heard over and over in my yoga classes is that the things we experience on the mat give us a chance to see what we’re experiencing in real life, and for a long time, I’ve dismissed that as just a think yoga teachers say. Until now. I never would have expected that the struggles I feel in class are the exact same things I experience in life.

It’s been awhile since I’ve recommended a book (mostly because I’ve been reading pure crap or self-help books I’d never, ever want anyone to know I’ve been reading) but I’m so obsessed with this book that I must recommend it, immediately.

One of the questions I’m asked most frequently is what diet I’m on. My reply is always the same: I’m not. I’ve changed my eating habits, but there’s no meal plan or “list” of foods I’m eating from. I don’t like meal plans or eating certain things at certain times or any of that strict business.

That said, if I did have a specific list of guidelines I was eating from, it would be this book, Food Rules, by Michael Pollan. The main takeaway from it is to “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” Makes sense, right?

The rest of the rules are equally simple:

#19: If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don’t.

#6o: Treat treats as treats.

It’s a light read — at most, it takes an hour or two, but is definitely worth a re-read. Michael Pollan is a brilliant writer, especially when it comes to food, and he knows his stuff. He adds a paragraph or two after each rule to explain it in detail. Best of all, the rules make sense. There are no gimmicks or strict diet rules. Just healthy, plant-based, reasonable eating.

And don’t worry, if the idea of having rules of any sort on your eating makes you upset, you can always heed the advice of Rule #64:

Break the rules once in a while.

Do you have any favorite books about food?