Coffee & Sunshine

I try not to talk too much about my relationship with Andrew on this blog, partly because that’d be a little boring, and mostly because my relationship with him is really sacred and special to me.

Today, Andrew turns 30. I’m glad because I won’t have to deal with his jokes about dating an “older woman” any more, but also because it gives me an excuse to write about him here.

Here are 30 reasons I love Andrew, in honor of his 30th birthday!

1. Andrew is a legitimately nice person. Much nicer than I am.
2. Andrew is the kind of smart that’s extreme and impressive, and yet…
3. He is never conceited about the fact above; he’s insanely humble about his intelligence.
4. Andrew is not afraid to do what makes Andrew happy and works actively to enjoy his life.
5. He encourages me to unabashedly seek the same joy and is always willing to help me get there.
6. Andrew is willing to try new things.
7. He is practical, but incredibly generous.
8. Andrew listens to things that I know he doesn’t care about at all: blogger stories, work stuff, my every yoga thought — and he asks intelligent questions and listens.
9. When I make Andrew really laugh, he claps and throws his head back and it’s adorable.
10. He pretends not to like the cat, but I know that secretly, he really loves him and it’s the cutest.
11. Andrew finds articles that I’ll be interested in and sends them to me.
12. He is incredibly kind to my friends. Always.
13. Andrew is interested in the world around him and that makes him interesting to talk to — I always learn new things from him.
14. I feel totally safe, loved and cared for when I am with him.
15. I often say that Andrew is the most yogi non-yogi I know: he is naturally calm and good at seeing the big picture.
16. He is the first person to call me out when I’m being ridiculous, but does it in a way that makes me feel loved and not defensive.
17. Andrew is an awesome brother and seeing his relationship with his sister is really special.
18. He also loves my family genuinely. It’s a joy.
19. Andrew is an awesome travel partner and I LOVE going places with him.
20. He is the perfect balance to my Type-A personality and reminds me to take it down a notch and enjoy.
21. Even after five and a half years, he still surprises me.
22. Andrew is totally into self-improvement and growth, and it’s inspiring to be with someone who is always trying to get better.
23. He makes me laugh every single day.
24. Andrew is my strongest and most loyal advocate, always.
25. He is the most supportive partner in every sense of the word — if I want something, he encourages me wholeheartedly in every way he can.
26. Andrew is the best gift-giver I have ever known — thoughtful and simultaneously generous and practical.
27. Even when he is incredibly busy, he always makes time for date night.
28. He is affectionate.
29. When I walk into a room, Andrew lets me know he’s happy to see me.
30. Andrew is sensitive, sweet and a lot of other mushy adjectives, and yet, I am well-aware that not very many people see this side of him, so I feel extra-special, because I get this piece of him that no one else does.

Happy Birthday, Andrew. I love you more than I can express, and I’m grateful every day to get to share my life with you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about worthiness lately. I recognize that it’s a total therapy-hippie topic, but since I am a hippie who has done a crapton of therapy, it’s my jam.

When I went through yoga teacher training, I team taught a class, and at the close of it, my friend and teacher, Jessica, said that she wished I felt like I was worthy of the experience — of the teacher training, of teaching a powerful class, of caring for and genuinely liking myself.

Was it that obvious? I’d never thought about it in those terms, though thoughts of worthiness permeate my every day life, in ways like this:

•    Why would ANYONE want to take my yoga class? What do I have to offer?
•    I could never teach that lesson…my students wouldn’t think it was very good.
•    Why does this person I totally admire want to be my friend? Is this a joke?
•    I could never apply for that job…there’s no way I’m good enough.
•    I better say yes to this thing I don’t want to do, instead of doing the thing I actually want to do, because someone might not like it.
•    I’d really love to write a blog about _____________, but what I do know?

If we think we are worthy of good things, we are much more willing to put ourselves out there. We believe we deserve good friends, opportunities that make us happy and the chance to show what we’re about.

When we believe in our own worthiness, we show up in the world confident that what we bring to the table is enough.

I feel like I’m in a place where I’m getting my worthiness bearings. I can genuinely say I’ve made the transition from questioning if I’m good enough and if I have gifts to offer, because deep down, I know that I do. I believe that my perspective is unique and that I have gifts and talents in my job, relationships and life.

The real work now is acting from that knowledge — as if I know what I bring to the table is enough, as if I have the right to be here, as if I’m deserving of good things. There’s a chasm between having that inner knowing, and acting in a way that honors that inner knowing.

I’m trying to compile a list of things that people who act on their own worthiness do, and what that looks like to me:

•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness takes the time to feed themselves healthy food and exercise, because caring for their own body and spirit matters.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness assumes that people will like them, because they have something positive to offer.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness takes risks — applying for a job, starting a project, pressing “publish” on a difficult blog post — because they know they’re worthy of having their voice heard.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness doesn’t feel the need to say negative things about others, because they like themselves enough to not need others to stand on.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness has a strong sense of their own right and wrong — no need for asking tons of opinions or worrying about the reactions of others.

I think worthiness is a super complicated topic. I think it’s uncomfortable to mention — who wants to sit at happy hour and confess to their friends that they don’t feel “good enough”? And yet, I know so few people who experience feeling truly good enough, day in and day out. I think this is part of the issue — what if someone knew how we really felt? It’s almost scarier to admit that we feel unsure than it is to shoulder it alone. What’s extra crazy is that when I look at the people I love, I can see their gifts and worthiness, no problem. What needs some help is seeing my own, and acting from THAT place, as opposed from that ugly little place of fear that tells me my blog sucks and no one could like me and I would never be good enough, so why even try. It feels good to recognize those demons, but I’m wholly convinced that staring them down and telling them to shut it is a daily practice that takes a ton of work.

For me, that process starts on my yoga mat. Sometimes, it means trying a new pose that make me look silly because I’m not great at it yet. Sometimes, it means dropping to child’s pose and giving myself a break. And mostly, it means letting my mat be a place where there is absolutely ZERO negative self-talk and tons of silent, internal encouragement. When I practice it on my mat, it suddenly becomes easier to do in the real world, when I’m feeling nervous or scared or unsure.

Now your turn. Do you feel worthy? What does someone who believes in their own worthiness look like to you?

Let’s talk about a subject I know lots about: falling off the healthy eating and living wagon. One week, you’re killing it at the gym, the next week, you’re killing a carton of ice cream.

I see you.

I am you.

Recently, I’ve decided to really recommit to a healthy lifestyle, beyond my borderline crazy yoga obsession and spats of healthy eating. It’s a struggle to stay on point all the time. But who cares? You fall off the wagon. So does everyone. Forgive, forget and then get back on the healthy living horse. No guilt. Just acceptance and a way to move through.

Here’s what’s been working for me:

1. Figure out a realistic expectation for the season you’re in. I’m coming off one of the busiest seasons of my life. I genuinely believed that I could fit in trips to the gym around grad school and yoga teacher training and teaching. NOPE. And that’s okay. Now that summer is approaching, it’s totally realistic for me to make time to hit the gym. So ask yourself: what’s realistic right now? And then go with that. Leave the “I should” and guilt out of it. Be honest with yourself and remember to plan with kindness towards yourself. Sleep and down time are just as important as working out.

2. Small changes > huge overhaul. If you’ve been “on the wagon” before, it’s tempting to jump back in all at once. In my opinion, making small changes, just like most people do at the start of their healthy living journey, is the most effective way. Instead of setting out to run five days a week like you did last fall, slowly start at two, and then move up. Reintroduce healthy food into your diet. Small changes tend to last a lot longer than a complete overhaul.

3. Ask for help. I am SO LUCKY to have a close friend (HI K!) who I can be 100% honest with about my food failures and successes. There’s no judgment or guilt over food in our friendship, but rather a totally unconditional support for what each of us is dealing with. I love knowing that I can text her when I’m in a food frenzy and be seen with kindness and love. I have a few other friends who I know understand my food issues, and the support and understanding I find, even via a few text messages, makes all the difference. I’m also lucky to have a totally supportive boyfriend. Andrew and I gently remind one another to exercise, and to care for ourselves. Again, there’s no guilt or judgment, but an awareness and support of one another’s goals. I know I can ask for help when I need it, and it changes the whole game.

4. Figure out your trouble spots and find a way to fix them. I don’t mean those gross exercise plans in fitness magazines to tone your upper arms, I mean the times of day when you struggle to eat well or exercise. For example, I know that if I don’t eat a filling breakfast and lunch, my biggest danger zone is the 45 minutes between when I arrive home and when I leave for yoga. I noticed my hunger during that time period, and so I’ve worked really hard to curb it by having a bigger breakfast and protein at lunch, and always having healthy snacks available. For the entire first year of working out, I would change into my workout clothes after school, before driving to the gym because the idea of changing in a crowded locker room was enough to derail me from going at all. So: figure out your trouble spots, and find a way to fix them.

5. Go inside. I don’t know about everyone (nor would I pretend to) but I know that for me, when I’m suddenly craving food I haven’t touched in months or I’m feeling like exercise is just about impossible, I have to ask myself what’s really going on. Is it anxiety? Am I just tired? What is it that I need? I love food, and I totally believe in treats and the joy of eating, but there’s a difference between meeting a friend and having a drink and a dessert and buying a ton of candy to cram down my gullet when I’m driving home from work after a long day. I’ve found that for me, writing down my feelings before I eat, or noticing my mood, makes me less likely to go crazy.

6. Make it fun again. One of the best ways to get me to the gym is with a new playlist. I am a huge fan of buying new songs or a new tank top or WHATEVER as motivation. Maybe you used to love running, but these days, you’d prefer to hike or swim. Do the things that make you happy. Most people I know who live a long-term healthy lifestyle find at least one activity that still feels like playing, even if it’s a workout. For me, that’s yoga. I look forward to yoga every single time I know I get to practice. Even after all this time. It’s fun. Find your thing, or whatever motivates you, and do that.

7. Remember the big picture. You are NOT a number on a scale. You are NOT the number of hours you exercise, or the number of calories you eat. Your inherent worth does not shift based on how you’re feeding yourself or the exercise you are or are not doing. So start there: with total acceptance and fierce kindness. Being thin or healthy does not guarantee a happy life. That said, if you’ve been on a healthy living journey, it’s likely that you had a bigger goal in mind than fitting into a size 4. Ask yourself why you started: to play with your kids? To be able to see the world? To feel better? And then, the next time going to the gym feels crappy, ask how you can bring yourself closer to that big picture. Sometimes, that means blowing off the gym for a date with your significant other, and other times, it means going anyways. The good news is that neither choice is wrong: it’s a choice. Be kind to yourself. Always.

How do you get back on track when you’ve gotten away from healthy habits?

Recently, a blog friend asked me why I haven’t been sharing much about my healthy living journey these days. She innocently prefaced it with, “Are you just kind of done? Is it no longer hard for you?”

HA. HAHAHAHAHAHA. It was an insanely kind thing to say, but sadly, that’s not the truth. In fact, it might be almost the opposite? I’ve been struggling so much with food these days that I’ve been unsure of what to share.

The thing about healthy eating is that it’s really hard work a lot of the time. It means that you order a salad and decline the extra wine. It means that you have to put thought and effort into meals — no fast food, no random stops for ice cream. It’s work. At least it is for me. But, it’s really easy to get off track. I know that for me, it starts innocently enough: I go have a special meal out and I order dessert. The next day, I’m so tired from being out late that I stop at Starbucks and get a mocha instead of a black coffee. School is busy so I’m grabbing a cookie and a latte and calling it dinner, but then I am starving so I grab a burrito.

After a few days, I’m suddenly out of practice with eating well — why order a salad when there’s a cheesy pasta dish? Why make a healthy dinner when I could just eat pizza?

On the other hand, I tend to run straight for a cleanse when I’m feeling out of balance: I sign up for Whole 30, I go on a juice cleanse, I cut out every food that I know isn’t good for me. It’s great to detox, yes, but there comes a point when you’re constantly cleansing that you forget how to just eat real food.

That’s the point I’m at currently: stuck between eating healthy in a totally rigid manner and going off the rails into sugar and carbs the rest of the time. It’s an unhealthy cycle, not just for my body, but also for my emotions. I tend to feel very guilty when I’m not eating well, and that leads to a cycle of feelings that’s not productive, at all. When I’m cleansing, I tend to feel very deprived and restrictive, and that can be equally dangerous.

I don’t know that there’s a perfect solution. When I think about my ideal way of eating, it’s pretty healthy: lots of veggies, vegetarian protein and fruit. It’s incorporating juices without living off of them. It’s drinking a ton of water. But it’s also going out to dinner with friends and sharing a bottle of wine and a piece of cake, guilt-free, because food is a joy. It’s a lot of shopping at the farmer’s market and making really fresh food. But it’s also enjoying treats. I have really struggled with always being that friend who says no to a beer or requires special food. I want to be healthy, but I also want to be a normal human who goes out to dinner and enjoys the magic of sharing food with people I love.

A few years ago, during one of my attempts at losing weight, I had a really successful strategy. I came up with a few basic options for each meal, and then, I just selected from those choices every day. I don’t really get bored eating similar things over and over again, which I recognize makes me lucky and different from many, but what I like about it is that I can choose healthy things and yet not just eat the same thing daily.

I’m going to try it again, with a few modifications. This is in no way a total meal plan, but here’s where my head’s at — I’d love your suggestions:

Breakfast: steel cut oats with berries /// veggies & eggs /// green smoothie

Lunch: roasted veggies + hardboiled egg /// brown rice pasta with veggies /// brown rice crackers + hummus + fruit /// soup

Dinner: tempeh + veggies /// black bean, quinoa, veggie bowl /// big fat salad

Snacks: green juice + nuts /// apple & peanut butter /// nuts + fruit

I like this plan. A lot. I’ve gotten away from making a big batch of food each Sunday, and this seems like a great place to start getting back into it: making some oatmeal and soup to freeze means I can avoid a harried trip to the store in the mornings and prepping some basics like roasted veggies, quinoa and hardboiled eggs means less nights to stop at Chipotle or shovel fro-yo in my mouth. Additionally, making snacking easier by carrying fruit and nuts in my purse will stop me from feeling so tempted otherwise.

Lastly? I need to get back into the exercise game. I’ve been doing yoga like a maniac, and thankfully haven’t gained any weight, but dang, I need to get my cardio on.

But that’s a whole other post.

How do you stay on track when it comes to healthy eating? What easy meals or snacks do you make?

I feel a little weird writing this post (seems to be a theme lately) simply because I’ve read posts like this and had totally awful thoughts, like, “UGHHHH FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS” or “Stop blogging and just do something already.” But, it’s been awhile since I wrote a post that was not planned out or agonized over or consisted of photos of whatever delicious thing I’ve made in my kitchen that week AND I’ve committed to writing more honestly lately AND I’m home sick with a cold sooooo, yeah, this is the post you’re gonna get.

I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging lately — about whether it’s the best use of my time, of what it is I want from this space, of what role this serves in my life. Sometimes, like today, on days after horrific tragedies, social media can seem so pointless and weird. What matters are the wonderful stories of human kindness emerging from Boston, and people doing amazing things to help one another. And while I appreciate the fact that Twitter and social media do an amazing job of connecting humans via the messy and mundane, sometimes, my deep thoughts about Target and my cat just seem sort of stupid in light of the seriously depressing things happening in the world.

I was talking with someone about yoga the other day, and about how my practice has changed my life. As I spoke, I got quieter and quieter because I realized how selfish and hollow it sounded. Carving out HOURS each week to spend on my mat, moving my body into funny shapes and being quiet? How is that benefitting anyone?

I know the simple answer: the simple answer is that anything we love that we do for ourselves makes us a better person. I know that yoga has made me kinder to myself, which leaves me more room to be kinder to others. Wanting to be happy is not selfish — it helps us show up better for others. I know these things, and I believe them, deep down.

But is that enough?

I had a lot of time for quiet reflection when I was at my teacher training graduation retreat, and I’ve had a few important conversations in the following days about what it means to serve, to live yoga off the mat. I had coffee with a friend and teacher yesterday, and she said something that I can’t stop thinking about: “If we fail to do something bigger, we miss the mark.”

That’s the space I’m living in right now: I know I want to do something bigger. I feel like my life can have a larger purpose than my own yoga practice, my own classroom, my own healthy living, my own silly blog and Twitter accounts.

I recognize that posts like this one can be lame and weird (I said that above, too, so you know I mean it). But honestly? It’s what’s real for me right  now. It’s where my head’s at — examining my priorities and my time and my finances and my feelings. People all around me are doing incredible things, and it’s so inspiring. But it can also be daunting and discouraging to think about all there is to do, and all I know is I want to do something more.

I literally have no idea what that is. I’m open. I’m listening. I’m excited. I’m terrified.

I read this on Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s Facebook page this morning:

“How you have lived the essence of what we are will be different from how I have lived it. You may see it in the consistent thread of desire in your choices to add beauty to the world through art or science, to be kind, to include those who are at times excluded, to work for justice or fairness, to lighten hearts with humor, to care for family or friends. There are a thousand ways our essential nature can be expressed in the world, infinite ways to hold and love the world. If you look at your life from within that sense of the quiet stillness you are, you will see this inner-essence, this innocence, like a bright thread woven throughout the center of your life. It has always been there because it is what you are, and living it consciously is why you are here.” 

Right now, I find myself unsure of what my unique desire is, and how that affects others. I know that there are thousands of ways to make a difference. Maybe I’m naive to think that a blog or a yoga practice makes a difference, but it’s what I’m thinking about.

What I do I want to bring to this space? I feel so lucky to have been able to share about a transformative journey (that’s not over by any stretch) but how do I make it meaningful?

How do I finish getting fully healthy so I can be strong and helpful to others? And again — how do I make that meaningful, for myself as well as those around me?

What do I want to give as a result of what’s been so freely given to me? I have a full life: friends, a job, love, all of my physical needs and many of my wants met. How do I take that and share?

How do I take yoga off my own tiny mat and into the world? My practice has changed my life — how do I help it change the lives of others?

What do I have to offer?

No answers. Not now. But if you’re wondering why I’m quiet over here and what I’m thinking about, it’s these things. There’s so much good in the world, and I’m determined to be a part of it, even in a small way.