Happy 30th Birthday, Andrew!

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I try not to talk too much about my relationship with Andrew on this blog, partly because that’d be a little boring, and mostly because my relationship with him is really sacred and special to me.

Today, Andrew turns 30. I’m glad because I won’t have to deal with his jokes about dating an “older woman” any more, but also because it gives me an excuse to write about him here.

Here are 30 reasons I love Andrew, in honor of his 30th birthday!

  1. Andrew is a legitimately nice person. Much nicer than I am.
  2. Andrew is the kind of smart that’s extreme and impressive, and yet…
  3. He is never conceited about the fact above; he’s insanely humble about his intelligence.
  4. Andrew is not afraid to do what makes Andrew happy and works actively to enjoy his life.
  5. He encourages me to unabashedly seek the same joy and is always willing to help me get there.
  6. Andrew is willing to try new things.
  7. He is practical, but incredibly generous.
  8. Andrew listens to things that I know he doesn’t care about at all: blogger stories, work stuff, my every yoga thought — and he asks intelligent questions and listens.
  9. When I make Andrew really laugh, he claps and throws his head back and it’s adorable.
  10. He pretends not to like the cat, but I know that secretly, he really loves him and it’s the cutest.
  11. Andrew finds articles that I’ll be interested in and sends them to me.
  12. He is incredibly kind to my friends. Always.
  13. Andrew is interested in the world around him and that makes him interesting to talk to — I always learn new things from him.
  14. I feel totally safe, loved and cared for when I am with him.
  15. I often say that Andrew is the most yogi non-yogi I know: he is naturally calm and good at seeing the big picture.
  16. He is the first person to call me out when I’m being ridiculous, but does it in a way that makes me feel loved and not defensive.
  17. Andrew is an awesome brother and seeing his relationship with his sister is really special.
  18. He also loves my family genuinely. It’s a joy.
  19. Andrew is an awesome travel partner and I LOVE going places with him.
  20. He is the perfect balance to my Type-A personality and reminds me to take it down a notch and enjoy.
  21. Even after five and a half years, he still surprises me.
  22. Andrew is totally into self-improvement and growth, and it’s inspiring to be with someone who is always trying to get better.
  23. He makes me laugh every single day.
  24. Andrew is my strongest and most loyal advocate, always.
  25. He is the most supportive partner in every sense of the word — if I want something, he encourages me wholeheartedly in every way he can.
  26. Andrew is the best gift-giver I have ever known — thoughtful and simultaneously generous and practical.
  27. Even when he is incredibly busy, he always makes time for date night.
  28. He is affectionate.
  29. When I walk into a room, Andrew lets me know he’s happy to see me.
  30. Andrew is sensitive, sweet and a lot of other mushy adjectives, and yet, I am well-aware that not very many people see this side of him, so I feel extra-special, because I get this piece of him that no one else does.

Happy Birthday, Andrew. I love you more than I can express, and I’m grateful every day to get to share my life with you.

Worthiness.

I’ve been thinking a lot about worthiness lately. I recognize that it’s a total therapy-hippie topic, but since I am a hippie who has done a crapton of therapy, it’s my jam.

When I went through yoga teacher training, I team taught a class, and at the close of it, my friend and teacher, Jessica, said that she wished I felt like I was worthy of the experience — of the teacher training, of teaching a powerful class, of caring for and genuinely liking myself.

Was it that obvious? I’d never thought about it in those terms, though thoughts of worthiness permeate my every day life, in ways like this:

•    Why would ANYONE want to take my yoga class? What do I have to offer?
•    I could never teach that lesson…my students wouldn’t think it was very good.
•    Why does this person I totally admire want to be my friend? Is this a joke?
•    I could never apply for that job…there’s no way I’m good enough.
•    I better say yes to this thing I don’t want to do, instead of doing the thing I actually want to do, because someone might not like it.
•    I’d really love to write a blog about _____________, but what I do know?

If we think we are worthy of good things, we are much more willing to put ourselves out there. We believe we deserve good friends, opportunities that make us happy and the chance to show what we’re about.

When we believe in our own worthiness, we show up in the world confident that what we bring to the table is enough.

I feel like I’m in a place where I’m getting my worthiness bearings. I can genuinely say I’ve made the transition from questioning if I’m good enough and if I have gifts to offer, because deep down, I know that I do. I believe that my perspective is unique and that I have gifts and talents in my job, relationships and life.

The real work now is acting from that knowledge — as if I know what I bring to the table is enough, as if I have the right to be here, as if I’m deserving of good things. There’s a chasm between having that inner knowing, and acting in a way that honors that inner knowing.

I’m trying to compile a list of things that people who act on their own worthiness do, and what that looks like to me:

•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness takes the time to feed themselves healthy food and exercise, because caring for their own body and spirit matters.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness assumes that people will like them, because they have something positive to offer.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness takes risks — applying for a job, starting a project, pressing “publish” on a difficult blog post — because they know they’re worthy of having their voice heard.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness doesn’t feel the need to say negative things about others, because they like themselves enough to not need others to stand on.
•    I believe that someone who believes in their own worthiness has a strong sense of their own right and wrong — no need for asking tons of opinions or worrying about the reactions of others.

I think worthiness is a super complicated topic. I think it’s uncomfortable to mention — who wants to sit at happy hour and confess to their friends that they don’t feel “good enough”? And yet, I know so few people who experience feeling truly good enough, day in and day out. I think this is part of the issue — what if someone knew how we really felt? It’s almost scarier to admit that we feel unsure than it is to shoulder it alone. What’s extra crazy is that when I look at the people I love, I can see their gifts and worthiness, no problem. What needs some help is seeing my own, and acting from THAT place, as opposed from that ugly little place of fear that tells me my blog sucks and no one could like me and I would never be good enough, so why even try. It feels good to recognize those demons, but I’m wholly convinced that staring them down and telling them to shut it is a daily practice that takes a ton of work.

For me, that process starts on my yoga mat. Sometimes, it means trying a new pose that make me look silly because I’m not great at it yet. Sometimes, it means dropping to child’s pose and giving myself a break. And mostly, it means letting my mat be a place where there is absolutely ZERO negative self-talk and tons of silent, internal encouragement. When I practice it on my mat, it suddenly becomes easier to do in the real world, when I’m feeling nervous or scared or unsure.

Now your turn. Do you feel worthy? What does someone who believes in their own worthiness look like to you?

Making a gentle return to healthy habits…

Let’s talk about a subject I know lots about: falling off the healthy eating and living wagon. One week, you’re killing it at the gym, the next week, you’re killing a carton of ice cream.

I see you.

I am you.

Recently, I’ve decided to really recommit to a healthy lifestyle, beyond my borderline crazy yoga obsession and spats of healthy eating. It’s a struggle to stay on point all the time. But who cares? You fall off the wagon. So does everyone. Forgive, forget and then get back on the healthy living horse. No guilt. Just acceptance and a way to move through.

Here’s what’s been working for me:

1. Figure out a realistic expectation for the season you’re in. I’m coming off one of the busiest seasons of my life. I genuinely believed that I could fit in trips to the gym around grad school and yoga teacher training and teaching. NOPE. And that’s okay. Now that summer is approaching, it’s totally realistic for me to make time to hit the gym. So ask yourself: what’s realistic right now? And then go with that. Leave the “I should” and guilt out of it. Be honest with yourself and remember to plan with kindness towards yourself. Sleep and down time are just as important as working out.

2. Small changes > huge overhaul. If you’ve been “on the wagon” before, it’s tempting to jump back in all at once. In my opinion, making small changes, just like most people do at the start of their healthy living journey, is the most effective way. Instead of setting out to run five days a week like you did last fall, slowly start at two, and then move up. Reintroduce healthy food into your diet. Small changes tend to last a lot longer than a complete overhaul.

3. Ask for help. I am SO LUCKY to have a close friend (HI K!) who I can be 100% honest with about my food failures and successes. There’s no judgment or guilt over food in our friendship, but rather a totally unconditional support for what each of us is dealing with. I love knowing that I can text her when I’m in a food frenzy and be seen with kindness and love. I have a few other friends who I know understand my food issues, and the support and understanding I find, even via a few text messages, makes all the difference. I’m also lucky to have a totally supportive boyfriend. Andrew and I gently remind one another to exercise, and to care for ourselves. Again, there’s no guilt or judgment, but an awareness and support of one another’s goals. I know I can ask for help when I need it, and it changes the whole game.

4. Figure out your trouble spots and find a way to fix them. I don’t mean those gross exercise plans in fitness magazines to tone your upper arms, I mean the times of day when you struggle to eat well or exercise. For example, I know that if I don’t eat a filling breakfast and lunch, my biggest danger zone is the 45 minutes between when I arrive home and when I leave for yoga. I noticed my hunger during that time period, and so I’ve worked really hard to curb it by having a bigger breakfast and protein at lunch, and always having healthy snacks available. For the entire first year of working out, I would change into my workout clothes after school, before driving to the gym because the idea of changing in a crowded locker room was enough to derail me from going at all. So: figure out your trouble spots, and find a way to fix them.

5. Go inside. I don’t know about everyone (nor would I pretend to) but I know that for me, when I’m suddenly craving food I haven’t touched in months or I’m feeling like exercise is just about impossible, I have to ask myself what’s really going on. Is it anxiety? Am I just tired? What is it that I need? I love food, and I totally believe in treats and the joy of eating, but there’s a difference between meeting a friend and having a drink and a dessert and buying a ton of candy to cram down my gullet when I’m driving home from work after a long day. I’ve found that for me, writing down my feelings before I eat, or noticing my mood, makes me less likely to go crazy.

6. Make it fun again. One of the best ways to get me to the gym is with a new playlist. I am a huge fan of buying new songs or a new tank top or WHATEVER as motivation. Maybe you used to love running, but these days, you’d prefer to hike or swim. Do the things that make you happy. Most people I know who live a long-term healthy lifestyle find at least one activity that still feels like playing, even if it’s a workout. For me, that’s yoga. I look forward to yoga every single time I know I get to practice. Even after all this time. It’s fun. Find your thing, or whatever motivates you, and do that.

7. Remember the big picture. You are NOT a number on a scale. You are NOT the number of hours you exercise, or the number of calories you eat. Your inherent worth does not shift based on how you’re feeding yourself or the exercise you are or are not doing. So start there: with total acceptance and fierce kindness. Being thin or healthy does not guarantee a happy life. That said, if you’ve been on a healthy living journey, it’s likely that you had a bigger goal in mind than fitting into a size 4. Ask yourself why you started: to play with your kids? To be able to see the world? To feel better? And then, the next time going to the gym feels crappy, ask how you can bring yourself closer to that big picture. Sometimes, that means blowing off the gym for a date with your significant other, and other times, it means going anyways. The good news is that neither choice is wrong: it’s a choice. Be kind to yourself. Always.

How do you get back on track when you’ve gotten away from healthy habits?

Good Things…

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It’s been awhile since I’ve shared a bunch of links, but since I found such great stuff this week, it only feels appropriate. Let’s go!

What are you doing this weekend? I’m doing yoga with a friend and then hanging out with some yoga ladies tonight (wine and snacks!), going to a cupcake and cocktail competition tomorrow (awesome) and then every other waking moment will be spent grading papers, finishing my grad school work, doing laundry and generally getting my life together. The end of the term is nigh and to say I’m stressed is putting it lightly. Ideally, I’ll make time to shoot a recipe, but will it happen? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

Have a fantastic weekend, friends! Wishing you tons of sunshine and fun times with those you love.

Getting back in the healthy eating game…

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Recently, a blog friend asked me why I haven’t been sharing much about my healthy living journey these days. She innocently prefaced it with, “Are you just kind of done? Is it no longer hard for you?”

HA. HAHAHAHAHAHA. It was an insanely kind thing to say, but sadly, that’s not the truth. In fact, it might be almost the opposite? I’ve been struggling so much with food these days that I’ve been unsure of what to share.

The thing about healthy eating is that it’s really hard work a lot of the time. It means that you order a salad and decline the extra wine. It means that you have to put thought and effort into meals — no fast food, no random stops for ice cream. It’s work. At least it is for me. But, it’s really easy to get off track. I know that for me, it starts innocently enough: I go have a special meal out and I order dessert. The next day, I’m so tired from being out late that I stop at Starbucks and get a mocha instead of a black coffee. School is busy so I’m grabbing a cookie and a latte and calling it dinner, but then I am starving so I grab a burrito.

After a few days, I’m suddenly out of practice with eating well — why order a salad when there’s a cheesy pasta dish? Why make a healthy dinner when I could just eat pizza?

On the other hand, I tend to run straight for a cleanse when I’m feeling out of balance: I sign up for Whole 30, I go on a juice cleanse, I cut out every food that I know isn’t good for me. It’s great to detox, yes, but there comes a point when you’re constantly cleansing that you forget how to just eat real food.

That’s the point I’m at currently: stuck between eating healthy in a totally rigid manner and going off the rails into sugar and carbs the rest of the time. It’s an unhealthy cycle, not just for my body, but also for my emotions. I tend to feel very guilty when I’m not eating well, and that leads to a cycle of feelings that’s not productive, at all. When I’m cleansing, I tend to feel very deprived and restrictive, and that can be equally dangerous.

I don’t know that there’s a perfect solution. When I think about my ideal way of eating, it’s pretty healthy: lots of veggies, vegetarian protein and fruit. It’s incorporating juices without living off of them. It’s drinking a ton of water. But it’s also going out to dinner with friends and sharing a bottle of wine and a piece of cake, guilt-free, because food is a joy. It’s a lot of shopping at the farmer’s market and making really fresh food. But it’s also enjoying treats. I have really struggled with always being that friend who says no to a beer or requires special food. I want to be healthy, but I also want to be a normal human who goes out to dinner and enjoys the magic of sharing food with people I love.

A few years ago, during one of my attempts at losing weight, I had a really successful strategy. I came up with a few basic options for each meal, and then, I just selected from those choices every day. I don’t really get bored eating similar things over and over again, which I recognize makes me lucky and different from many, but what I like about it is that I can choose healthy things and yet not just eat the same thing daily.

I’m going to try it again, with a few modifications. This is in no way a total meal plan, but here’s where my head’s at — I’d love your suggestions:

Breakfast: steel cut oats with berries /// veggies & eggs /// green smoothie

Lunch: roasted veggies + hardboiled egg /// brown rice pasta with veggies /// brown rice crackers + hummus + fruit /// soup

Dinner: tempeh + veggies /// black bean, quinoa, veggie bowl /// big fat salad

Snacks: green juice + nuts /// apple & peanut butter /// nuts + fruit

I like this plan. A lot. I’ve gotten away from making a big batch of food each Sunday, and this seems like a great place to start getting back into it: making some oatmeal and soup to freeze means I can avoid a harried trip to the store in the mornings and prepping some basics like roasted veggies, quinoa and hardboiled eggs means less nights to stop at Chipotle or shovel fro-yo in my mouth. Additionally, making snacking easier by carrying fruit and nuts in my purse will stop me from feeling so tempted otherwise.

Lastly? I need to get back into the exercise game. I’ve been doing yoga like a maniac, and thankfully haven’t gained any weight, but dang, I need to get my cardio on.

But that’s a whole other post.

How do you stay on track when it comes to healthy eating? What easy meals or snacks do you make?

 

Oil changes, the Big Traveling Potluck & taking care of the little things…

I spent my weekend at the Big Traveling Potluck, a super fun conference for food bloggers. It was awesome. But before we talk about the weekend, let’s talk about the drive home.

I drove down to Temecula, where the conference was held with Drea, meaning I stopped in LA. I left LA around 2 PM and was making killer time. And then I had to get gas. Also peach rings, because I require gummy candy when I travel.

I stopped in Avenal, CA, which is a rural town just outside of Coalinga, which is home to a million cows and dairy. It smells like death, but I was desperate. As I pulled out of the gas station, my oil light came on.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been meaning to get an oil change. For a long time. It’s been on my to-do list for months. I can feel the cringing of my dad, Andrew and every boyfriend I’ve ever had. I get it. I need oil changes. I’ll own it: I’ve totally let it fall by the wayside.

I looked in my manual, assuming that it would say, “Get an oil change within the next 500 miles! No biggie!” Instead, it said DO NOT DRIVE ANY FURTHER OR YOUR CAR WILL DIE A FIERY DEATH. I mean, not in those words. But I understood.

I’ll spare you the details, but basically, my hood was stuck shut, and I couldn’t add oil myself so I had to call the town’s traveling mechanic, who came out and rescued me. He fixed my hood and added oil and checked a bunch of other things to make sure I’d get home safely. As he was leaving, he said something that I’ll probably never forget:

“You got really lucky, you know? If you’d gone any further, you’d have ruined your engine. You gotta take care of the little things to keep running.”

In my last post, I eluded to the fact that I’m feeling a little busy and worn down — that I’m asking hard questions about how I want to spend my time. And this weekend was another reminder of that. To be honest, I felt like a total fraud going to a food blogging conference because I’ve been living off Chipotle and Starbucks oatmeal. I questioned why I was even going.

Of course, that all changed once I arrived. I got to catch up with Drea. I spent a ton of time with Joy and Tracy, laughing and talking. Those ladies fill my soul right up, truly. That alone made the even worth it. I felt so lucky to have time with those three.

The conference programming was amazing, and just what I needed to hear. The focus of the weekend was about investing in yourself so you can be creative. Melissa Lanz, who wrote the new cookbook The Fresh 20 talked about the importance of a personal mission statement, and letting that guide you. It was so refreshing to hear this woman, who is so accomplished, speaking about how if you’re doing things that make you unhappy, you have to stop, even if they’re lucrative or fancy or awesome. Helen Jane (who I’ve adored online forever and who I just loved in person) spoke about the freedom of being creative, and how it’s vulnerability and humility, and the stories in those spaces, that make a difference.

There’s something that feels selfish and indulgent about blogging. Do I really think that my life matters so much that I need to document every thought I have? I occasionally feel the same way about eating well and spending time making good food. Lately, I’ve found myself eschewing cooking healthy food in order to do things that feel more important.
When I left for this event, I was asking a ton of questions of myself: Why blog? Why does making (and sharing) good food matter to me? What’s the purpose of all of this? Do I have anything to say? Am I offering anything of value to this space, or should I just shut it down?

It turns out that this weekend reminded me of all the important things. That I have to take care of the little things (like oil changes) in order to take care of the big things. I think feeding myself good food seems small, but really, it keeps me going. I have said many times over my weight loss journey that learning to feed myself well changed my whole life, and I forgot how much I believe that, and how much I love sharing that with others. My food photography might not be perfect and I’m not a trained chef, but I believe in the power of food and taking the time to feed yourself well, and the power in that. And somewhere along this blog journey, I forgot that what I love most of all is sharing my story — it’s messy and weird and probably a little too emotional sometimes, but it’s mine and even when I don’t see it, there’s value in sharing it in a way that’s real.

Whether it’s getting an oil change or taking the time to be on my yoga mat and eat a meal that’s beautiful and full of good ingredients, the reality is that it’s all of these small things — the little choices we make every day — that help us show up bigger and brighter for everyone around us. I’ve said it before, and heard it over and over again, but I think it was at the world’s smelliest gas station in Avenal, CA with a kind traveling mechanic named Rafael that I finally got it.

Summer goals + priorities

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As I mentioned last week, I’ve been feeling a little quiet these days. It’s been awhile since I’ve picked up my camera and made something delicious. Dinner in our household has consisted of a lot of Chipotle veggie bowls, or eggs on whatever random hodge podge of vegetables I have around. I haven’t been exercising besides yoga, and I feel like I’ve said a lot about that lately, so I’ll spare you (FOR NOW). I haven’t been addressing this last 36 pounds I’d like to lose, and while I haven’t gained weight, I’m not reaching my healthy goals the way I’d like to. The end of the school year is here, so I’m wrapping that up, while simultaneously LOSING MY DANG MIND over grad school. I’m exhausted.

Summer break is a mere four weeks away, and while I’m definitely planning on having fun, I’m also really aware that I need a break. I feel like I’ve been running myself ragged for four months and that needs to stop. I’ve been asking myself big questions about where I’m putting my energy and what it is I really want and how to do it. They’re hard questions to answer, and ones I’m not totally sure about. I’m not unhappy by any stretch of the imagination, there are just aspects of my life I’m unsure of. I’ve been compiling a list of the things I really want to do, and the things I’m willing to let go of in order to make those other things happen.

In the interest of accountability/self-care/reminder to myself when I’m over-committing myself to everything in the world this summer, I thought I’d write out a few goals I have as I transition into summer break:

  • Sleep. I am so tired. So very tired. One of the things I have a hard time with during summer is not feeling guilty about napping and really resting a lot. I’m making it my goal this summer to never feel tired.
  • Exercise. I miss cardio, both the elliptical and swimming. I’m excited to get back into a workout routine that doesn’t just involve yoga. I love yoga more than anything, but I also know that my body needs more than just yoga to be really strong and healthy.
  • Reading. I miss reading so much. I have been doing a little, but I want to tear through books this summer, the way I did when I was little.
  • Clean(er) eating. I’ve been doing really well, actually. For the first time in my life, I haven’t been turning to food when I’m stressed. HOWEVER. I’ve been a little carb heavy, been drinking way too many soy mochas and I’m getting bored. I want to commit to getting back into the kitchen to play with delicious food and of course, to shoot it for this blog. I miss showing what I’ve been making and making really yummy stuff. I also miss having people over to share delicious food and to enjoy my time in the kitchen, rather than feeling stressed.
  • Investigate yoga teaching. I taught my first class last weekend (!) and I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been happier doing something. It felt right and I enjoyed it so much. I’m checking out a few options of where/how I can teach and I’m excited that it’s a possibility. I’m also planning on doing some additional training in the fall and I’m really excited about that.
  • Practice yoga. One of the things I’m the actual most excited about is getting to practice even more. I find the time on my mat to be my best reset button, and I’m so stoked to have the time to enjoy practice and not just cram it in to random times.

That’s it. I forsee summer as a time to rest, exercise, cook, read and care for me and the goals I’m setting for myself. It all starts four weeks from tomorrow, but rest assured, I plan on getting a jump on a few of those things above.

Do you have any summer goals?

 

30!

photo (6)From Lady Lovely Locks costume in the 80′s to a ridiculous cat hat in my classroom. I don’t even know.

I’m 30 today. Holyyyyy crap.

It’s actually fine. I’m not freaking out. I feel like a legitimate adult. I’ve got a career and a relationship and a fantastic family and family of friends, a cat, and a really, really full life of joy and love.

My 20′s were a crazy decade. They started off beautifully, before taking a sharp detour into the most painful experiences of my life. The last few years have felt like a rise from the ashes of all the things I thought I knew and wanted and felt and seeing my life completely differently. My 20′s were all about working through hard things. But I did it. I made it through. And now, I want to move forward. I want to stop talking about all the things that went wrong and look at all the things that are right and good, and thankfully, there are too many to count these days.

When I was in Lake Tahoe two weeks ago for my yoga teacher training retreat, I was sitting alone on a rock overlooking the water and it struck me that for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m not where I thought I’d be when I turned 30. I thought I’d have kids, be a wife, be someone totally different. And I realize how cliche it is, but looking back now, I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. Not a minute. I felt that sitting on that rock, and my eyes filled with tears — the happy kind — because I realized that all of those awful days and nights were worth it if it meant I get to be right here, living this life, surrounded by these people.

Here are the things I know for sure, in 30 years of living:

  • Everything counts. Even the silly things, like being nice to the barista or not flipping off the person who cut you off, it matters. It took me a long time to realize that: I MATTER. I have value. I have things to offer, imperfect as I am. And that realization, that small thing, makes all the difference. It makes me want to live my life in a big way, but also do a great job at the little things, because it matters. Everything matters. Don’t forget that.
  • People love the best way they know how. Very few people set out to cause harm or hurt you. Everyone’s doing the best they can. So when people hurt you, let go. Trust that they’re doing their best, just like you. See beyond the flaws. It doesn’t mean you keep people around that make you feel like crap, it just means that you take the sting out of the actions. People love and live the best they know how.
  • I know that yoga changes things. Maybe for you, it’s running or CrossFit or hiking, but for me, yoga has changed everything. There’s something powerful about setting aside time just for you, to be quiet and go inside — to breathe and to feel. There are few things that I’m more grateful for than my yoga practice and that time every single week. 
  • Never hold back on being kind. Ever. I find putting myself out there to be completely terrifying, but as of late, I don’t even care. Full throttle kindness. If people aren’t into it, that’s them, not you. Being extraordinarily kind is a downright radical act. Do it.
  • Learning to feed yourself is revolutionary. Not just food, although definitely food, but feeding your soul. I’m a happier person on green juice, fresh veggies, lots of sleep, time alone, good books and lots of nature. Learn how to fill your own well. It’s so much easier than being pissed off all the time, or expecting someone else to do it for you.
  • No one is perfect. This is such a biggie. For years of my life, I went around thinking other people had a secret I didn’t and if I could only get so-and-so to like me, things would be amazing. Everyone has flaws. No one is more capable than you and there’s no need to put others on a pedestal. Trust your own inner wisdom, and take people as they are. 

I contemplated a post about 30 kind things I want to do this year, but then I decided that’d be silly, because I want to do way more than 30 kind things this year. I feel so hopeful, so excited about what’s to come. I don’t want to make items on a list — artificial things to check off as a sign that I’m livin’ right. Instead, I want to be fully engaged in this decade — to see opportunities to shine, to be kind, to be 100% in my life, and enjoy.

Let’s do this, me.

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird—
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

— The Messenger, by Mary Oliver

Alright, Universe, I’m listening…

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I feel a little weird writing this post (seems to be a theme lately) simply because I’ve read posts like this and had totally awful thoughts, like, “UGHHHH FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS” or “Stop blogging and just do something already.” But, it’s been awhile since I wrote a post that was not planned out or agonized over or consisted of photos of whatever delicious thing I’ve made in my kitchen that week AND I’ve committed to writing more honestly lately AND I’m home sick with a cold sooooo, yeah, this is the post you’re gonna get.

I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging lately — about whether it’s the best use of my time, of what it is I want from this space, of what role this serves in my life. Sometimes, like today, on days after horrific tragedies, social media can seem so pointless and weird. What matters are the wonderful stories of human kindness emerging from Boston, and people doing amazing things to help one another. And while I appreciate the fact that Twitter and social media do an amazing job of connecting humans via the messy and mundane, sometimes, my deep thoughts about Target and my cat just seem sort of stupid in light of the seriously depressing things happening in the world.

I was talking with someone about yoga the other day, and about how my practice has changed my life. As I spoke, I got quieter and quieter because I realized how selfish and hollow it sounded. Carving out HOURS each week to spend on my mat, moving my body into funny shapes and being quiet? How is that benefitting anyone?

I know the simple answer: the simple answer is that anything we love that we do for ourselves makes us a better person. I know that yoga has made me kinder to myself, which leaves me more room to be kinder to others. Wanting to be happy is not selfish — it helps us show up better for others. I know these things, and I believe them, deep down.

But is that enough?

I had a lot of time for quiet reflection when I was at my teacher training graduation retreat, and I’ve had a few important conversations in the following days about what it means to serve, to live yoga off the mat. I had coffee with a friend and teacher yesterday, and she said something that I can’t stop thinking about: “If we fail to do something bigger, we miss the mark.”

That’s the space I’m living in right now: I know I want to do something bigger. I feel like my life can have a larger purpose than my own yoga practice, my own classroom, my own healthy living, my own silly blog and Twitter accounts.

I recognize that posts like this one can be lame and weird (I said that above, too, so you know I mean it). But honestly? It’s what’s real for me right  now. It’s where my head’s at — examining my priorities and my time and my finances and my feelings. People all around me are doing incredible things, and it’s so inspiring. But it can also be daunting and discouraging to think about all there is to do, and all I know is I want to do something more.

I literally have no idea what that is. I’m open. I’m listening. I’m excited. I’m terrified.

I read this on Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s Facebook page this morning:

“How you have lived the essence of what we are will be different from how I have lived it. You may see it in the consistent thread of desire in your choices to add beauty to the world through art or science, to be kind, to include those who are at times excluded, to work for justice or fairness, to lighten hearts with humor, to care for family or friends. There are a thousand ways our essential nature can be expressed in the world, infinite ways to hold and love the world. If you look at your life from within that sense of the quiet stillness you are, you will see this inner-essence, this innocence, like a bright thread woven throughout the center of your life. It has always been there because it is what you are, and living it consciously is why you are here.” 

Right now, I find myself unsure of what my unique desire is, and how that affects others. I know that there are thousands of ways to make a difference. Maybe I’m naive to think that a blog or a yoga practice makes a difference, but it’s what I’m thinking about.

What I do I want to bring to this space? I feel so lucky to have been able to share about a transformative journey (that’s not over by any stretch) but how do I make it meaningful?

How do I finish getting fully healthy so I can be strong and helpful to others? And again — how do I make that meaningful, for myself as well as those around me?

What do I want to give as a result of what’s been so freely given to me? I have a full life: friends, a job, love, all of my physical needs and many of my wants met. How do I take that and share?

How do I take yoga off my own tiny mat and into the world? My practice has changed my life — how do I help it change the lives of others?

What do I have to offer?

No answers. Not now. But if you’re wondering why I’m quiet over here and what I’m thinking about, it’s these things. There’s so much good in the world, and I’m determined to be a part of it, even in a small way.

The one where I finally write about the end of yoga teacher training

I spent last weekend in Lake Tahoe graduating from yoga teacher training. I keep sitting down to write this post and being distracted: the computer stops working or my cat spills remnants of green smoothie or I remember a homework assignment that’s due ASAP. Additionally, I’m really unsure of how to sum up one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Writing about it confirms that it’s really over, and part of me is still so sad that these 200 hours of yoga teacher training have come to a close.

When I first considered teacher training, I’d been practicing all of two months. I was high on yoga and my teacher told me she thought I should sign up. I thought she was crazy. What on earth would I have to offer as a yoga teacher? I put it off to the back of my mind and decided that no, it wasn’t for me. Over the following months, with continued prodding from her and my other teachers, I started to seriously consider it. Not because I decided to teach, but because nothing had ever changed my entire life as rapidly as yoga did, and I wanted to learn more about my practice.

The other main reason was that I turn 30 in a few weeks, and this seemed like a really amazing way to close out my 20′s. I’ve written about it a lot here, but the early years of this past decade were really rough and I wasn’t very kind to myself. It seemed like a good idea to finish strong, in part to celebrate how far I’ve come the past 10 years by delving into learning more about the practice that’s changed my life.

This process was challenging, and there were many moments when I wondered if I’d made the right choice and if it was worth it. I’m so glad I decided to do it, because despite the hard moments, I don’t know that I’ve ever been more grateful for an experience, and I’m not really sure how to sum up everything I learned. Yes, I can teach a sun salutation and a yoga flow now, but the lessons I learned from this training went so much beyond that level.

I learned a lot about compassion, for myself and others.

I learned that everything is connected, and even when things are rough, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I learned to see where I’m holding myself back, and started to see where I can let go and move forward.

I learned what it feels like to have people call you on your bullshit, and love you anyways.

I learned that in order to heal, you have to really feel.

I learned that I have amazing things to offer, things I had no idea I possessed.

I learned that I have literally no idea what’s next for me, but if I’m quiet, I know I’ll figure it out.

I learned what it’s like to fall in love with 39 beautifully imperfect human beings, and to have them love and support you back.

There was a moment during a practice at our Lake Tahoe retreat this past weekend when I looked around and saw these people I love so much and couldn’t help but cry, not because I was sad, but because I was so grateful for the people in the room and for the experience I’ve had. There’ve been times I’ve wished over and over to not have experienced some of the struggles I’ve had over the past 10 years, but as I sat there and looked around, I realized I would do it all again if it meant that I would wind up in that room, with those people. That might have been the biggest revelation of all: to finally see my past as a gift instead of a curse, and even better, to be fully ready to let go and see what’s next.

I’m sad that this experience is over. I will miss long weekends full of ugly cries and teaching and re-teaching the same sequences, as well as hysterical laughter and big hugs and an incredible sense of camaraderie that can only come from an experience like that. But the larger part of me is so excited to move beyond the walls of teacher training and see what’s next. I don’t know yet where and when I’ll be teaching, or what that will look like, but I firmly believe that even if I never teach a yoga class, the friends I’ve gained and the personal transformation that took place was well worth this process. To say I’m grateful hardly seems like enough, so instead of just saying it, I plan on living it, every single day.

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